Cantate Domino

Fun Stuff

 

.The 10 Golden Rules Guaranteed to Annoy your Conductor

 

1. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, the lack of space, or a draught. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

 

2. Bury your head in the music just before an important cue.

  

3. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good opportunity for blowing your nose.

  

4. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have any music.

 

5. At dramatic moments in the music, be busy marking your music so that the climax will sound empty and disappointing.

 

6. Whenever possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear training for the conductor. If she hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that she must be hearing the harmonics.

 

7. If your phrasing differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

 

8. Remember - softer means slower.

 

9.During a long and very meaningful rest, either hold the note before a second too long or come in one beat before the rest is over.

 

10. When the conductor is rehearsing with another section, feel free to discuss last night’s soap operas, football or recipes (remember you will have to talk that little bit louder to be heard over the singing section).

What's the definition of a bad soprano?

One who's so bad that the tenors notice.

Where is a tenor's resonance?

Where his brain should be.

CHOIR PROFICIENCY TEST

 

In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:

a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend that you've had a heart attack.
c. Crawl into the nearest chair.
d. Begin speaking in tongues.

2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high "C" one measure too soon. You should:

a. Slide into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."
b. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistery.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
d. Read M. Stephen's pamphlet "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."

4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:

a. Hum for your life.
b. Sing "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."
c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
d. Sing the first page over again.

5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:

a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor's foot to create a diversion.
b. Try to make it harmonize.
c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

Count the number of A's, B's, C's, and D's you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

4 or more A's...there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
4 or more B's...your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
4 or more C's...your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.
4 or more D's...it is recommended you take soccer or group therapy counseling.